2021

Today, out of a sudden, I remember the existence of this blog. *blowing dust*

While trying to stop myself from reading all my previous posts to stop myself from cringing to death, I deleted two other hidden blogs which I owned after my previous relationship.

Those good old memories, the emotional and immature Mei Kin. It's time to say goodbye :)

Thank you for all the good memories. 

Thank you for making me who I am today.

Thank you for being you.

#15022016

I don't know why all of a sudden I open up my blog and read my previous posts. Reading while smiling, and realise how foolish I was last time, how childish I was, how narrow-minded. Some small problems looked big then, and over-emotional, over-reacting to things, over-emo. I hope I changed, to a better me, now :)

One and a half month into 2016, and I tried to look back and remember what I did to change my life.

THANK GOD, I graduated ^_^

Went for a few interviews, rejected a few interview offers, got a few job offers, accepted a few and rejected a few. Ended up, still JOBLESS. Well well well... Challenges in life come in many forms >_^

Can say that I've gotten over this guy named Ong Foo Kiat, since the day he blurted out that he had a new girlfriend, out of no where, without a sign. I consider this, a good change for me. *pat own shoulder* 

Hoping for more good things to come, most importantly, GET A JOB.

And not forgetting, FIND A BOYFRIEND. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA~

May we all have a blessed and healthy 2016~!

DEMOTIVATED

I've turned down what I see as a golden opportunity for my career kick start

And here I am, just got back from the worst interview I've ever attended so far in my life. An interview that makes me so down and demotivated. An interview that makes me feel like I'm not good enough to chase that dream and passion of mine

And so before I forget this feeling and do something crazy, like asking that company to take me in again after I rejected their offer last Monday, I want to write this. To serve as my personal reminder that :

NO! Don't cause people problem. You've rejected them to chase what you said was your dream and passion. So move on! Get on with it! Don't look back! Even if you must, look for new job offers. No going back to this!

Ok, Mei Kin. Take note k. :)

The Letter

It all started with the recent death of one very close friend of mine. He passed away from what I can say,  a horrible motorcycle-lorry accident. Being at the hospital, looking at his dead body for one last time really changed my thoughts, my views, and my way I want to continue this life.

I started realizing that I've wasted quite a period of my life, quarreling, fighting, cold war etc etc with people that I actually care a lot about. It dawned upon me at that time : why continue the fight, the cold war? Why the ego if I don't even know when will be my last day?

I went home, I start making calls. I start sending messages. I start saying things that I dared not say in the past, for the fear of a fight, even though I know what I say is right. I tried to make things right. I contacted people who I cared, but were having cold wars with at that time. I want to make things right before it's too late. 

Thank God. So far so good. I'm happier leading my life like this. I feel better that I lowered my ego and talked to those people. I'm glad we are in talking terms again. 

And of course, I contacted someone who I last contacted 3 years ago. Someone who I had major fight with. Someone who I used to be so close with, yet I did not manage to set things right before he left. And he was once someone who promised to be there through everything. But due to a misunderstanding, we became strangers.

I asked for his address, I wrote him a letter. I apologized for things that ever happened. Even though he did admitted before that "this is one mistake I did that I never want you to know", but why bother who is right and who is wrong? Things were ugly, and that was 3 years ago. I thanked him and reminded him of the beautiful memories instead : him helping me to climb up pillars to hang banners at 1am, things like that. I realized it's no longer the time to look back and investigate.

This letter reached its owner on 1st Ramadhan. He, in turn, went the extra mile, asked for my phone number from one of our mutual friend, and texted me. He apologized, and he said thank you for making his Ramadhan more beautiful. You know the way we celebrate this Holy month is to forgive and forget the past, seek forgiveness, know that people had forgiven us, things like that.

I'm glad i made the move to write the letter, though it might be 3 years late. At least it make things right before it's too late. 

And it's a "happily-ever-after" ending

Dear friends, 

Draft your letter now, before it's too late.

Happy Ramadhan, Friends! 

Surviving

I am alive

I am surviving 

I wish I have something like a end-of-challenge reward in the form of a vacation to look forward to

Call me immature, call me childish. But such a reward waiting for me at the end of a challenge/hardship/hardwork makes me work harder and wanting to success faster

I have a 2-month-challenge which I told NO ONE, except one of my best friend who successfully placed a wild guess

Day after day, I lose hope on the challenge

Not because I don't want to accept it, NO!

I accept the challenge with mix feelings, but day after day, I realise it is getting harder

Things are spoiling, and I am spending more and more to buy and get it done. 

Methods after methods fail, till I was even told to put a stop on that. 

How can I not give up, how can I not lose hope?

Yes, I am stronger than this. 

I started it, so I shall end it...

I am living

I am breathing

I am surviving...

That Breaking Point

These few weeks are hard... I don't mean to say that my life is the hardest, I suffer more than most people... NO. I am just feeling that I am having quite a hard time these few weeks... Compared to my normal days... That's all...

With the BIG stone of being an engineering student, doing engineering things, building this and that though all that are not my specialties, nor have I learnt or know how to do it...

And the cancellation of my project's deal, due to insufficient fund from that company...

I never meant to, and I don't want to. But I broke down TWICE, in front of my supervisor today. Instantly feeling guilty looking at his expressions. I've really covered my frustration well, till today...

I'm sorry Prof... I really don't mean to break down in front of you... 

Say NO to Dramas

I'm in the middle of transition period. Maybe it's too late, when some other friends of mine have already gone through this period.

The period of being alone,

the period of everyone you are close with are no longer there,

the period of having no one to randomly text and say "Let's lunch!",

the period of learning to live alone and SURVIVE.

Yes, I am currently in this period. My bestfriends are at different places in earth. Among others :

a) Other universities taking Master

b) Other laboratories or departments, taking Master with new friends and gang

c) Working oversea

d) Working at other states, not in Kuching

e) At their hometown, waiting for graduation

And so, I have to learn to survive alone here. With only ONE goal now :

Graduation 2015

And because I know I can no longer be the cry-baby I used to be, because I know I can no longer throw tantrum and all of a sudden say "I'm unhappy, let's go out for ice-creams!" and things like that, because i know things will be different, I can no longer afford any dramas in my life, cos I know this time, any dramas, I'll have to face them alone, and I am not strong enough to face so many of them.

That explains why I am avoiding some people. Why I talk less. Why I prefer to walk alone, eat alone and jog alone. 

And so, when someone tries to cause a drama, I began avoiding her. 

What happen, you asked?

There's this 22-year-old girl, who heroically took up the vice-president post of the biggest, busiest, and most challenging college in the university. And yet, she has no enough strength and determination to go through it, but still wants to hold on to that post, and tried too hard to please her "sister", although her "sister" did not expect anything from her after knowing she is yet to be capable of doing big things. 

One day, she broke down. Due to her OWN overthinking. Because she did not heed her "sister"s advice to be honest and deal with things directly, cos she is too coward to tell the truth, cos she choose to bottle things up in her, cos she likes to think that everyone is burdening her (though that is not true), she broke down. In a terrible way. 22 sticks of cigarettes, and she was so so so proud of it that she told her concern "sister" 

"I am big enough and mature enough to know what I am doing. I know I am doing the right thing"

Now, tell me. When you used to be so concerned over someone younger than you that you lost yourself while trying to motivate her, that you lost your own positive vibes cos you gave her all, that you took care of like your own sister, that you helped cos she is your responsibilities not your burden. When someone like that, tell you things like she did the right thing, she is mature enough, needless for you to tell her what she should or should not do. What do you do?

In my case, I start treating her NORMALLY. Like a normal friend. Cos it seems to me that no use pouring advices and trying to pull someone who feels that she knows better, and does not need me. Or am I wrong?

And then when I am stable with my life, she starts again with telling my friends we quarreled, till my bestfriend posted things saying that I shouldn't be angry at her till I forget all good things she did to me.

And so, I am the one who carry the blame at the end, huh?

It's ok. As long as no dramas in my life. I am fine :)

Aja cakap, kalau ada nak update blog, tu maksudnya orang tu tengah jiwa serabut...

Pagi tadi jalan kaki dari kolej ke fakulti, terniat di hati nak post di Instagram, tapi terfikir Ain dah perasan saya banyak meluah di Ig, so fikir punya fikir, akhirnya berbalik juga ke blog yang dah lama bersawang ni untuk update and luahkan fikiran...

Nak dijadikan cerita, on the way dari kolej ke fakulti (dengan perasaan yang sangat bersemangat dan gembira), tiba-tiba dapat satu email. 

"Sesi Pembentangan Penukaran MSc ke PhD"

Eh tak tak tak... Bukan rezeki saya untuk tukar MSc ke PhD. Orang lain punya, cuma semua PG FSTS dijemput hadir. 

Apa-apa pun, hati sakit seketika memikirkan hal yang dah lepas.

We always have choices... We always have to choose. But whatever decisions we made, don't ever regret. Cos it is all our own choices. No matter how hard it is, just keep walking...

I miss you...

But I am letting you go... 

Cos I love you...

Next Life

If there is really something called Next Life, I hope God let us meet again. And at that time, I hope our fate will not be like now...

The best birthday present I can give you, I think is this... Be happy, stay healthy. 

#ily

Plasticity

You can be plastics. You can be FAKE. But let it be that way. That's the worst you can be.

DON'T be a fucker. And go around F***-ing people. That's not what your mom and dad raised you to be.

Nuff said. May GOD bless me with enough compassion to forgive you for F***-ing me.

This Journey...

i have no idea how long more i have to crawl in order to finish "this" journey...

Went and watched Abg Salihin's FYP presentation yesterday, just to support him for his last journey in life. And throughout that, realization strucked me. HARD.

Nori is already at the final part of her research, whereby if her datas are accepted by her sv, she can declare that she is DONE with lab.

Izzuddin is already in his writing stage.

Farid is already back at home, awaiting viva.

And me? still waiting for that unknown membrane.

i might have to continue this journey alone in the future, with everyone graduating, and i am still left here.

Dear GOD, please give me enough strength and motivations in myself to finish this journey...

I'm Sorry Mei Kin...

I'm sorry Mei Kin,
for not giving you the birthday that you deserved...
I should've stayed in KL and enjoy the peace of my birthday instead of worrying about things that people don't even want me to care about. Going back earlier because I am afraid they might need some last minute help on their biggest event of the year. But it seems to me that things are worst than I thought. Problems after problems uttered out once I touched down in Kuching. One after another which makes me feel more and more useless to help...

I'm sorry Mei Kin,
that I caused you to make the biggest mistake in your life : not calling your own mom on your birthday
Just because you were too busy worrying about that one event which people dont even care whether you existed or not.

For few months I cared for a junior like my own sister. Listening to her, motivating her again and again and again EVERYDAY for almost a year. Till I feel I have no more positiveness left in me to deal with my own problem of studies and others. Till I feel I have no one to talk to cause I've been bearing so much negativeness in me. Accumulating negativeness of myself and others in me, but still forced myself to blurt some motivations once and again.

But I reached my end-point. My limit. Yes. Like she said, everyone has her/his limit. Mine is after she did it. After all the care, all the positiveness I gave to her, all the motivations I gave, she still reached her limit and did the unbelievable. She went out at midnight, smoked more than 10 sticks of cigarettes, checked in a hotel and slept there for a night. The next morning she went to a waterfall and told me she doesnt even know where she is. What the -! That's when I reached my limit and decided not to care. When you give your all, sacrifices your own, with the hope that she will not do sth stupid out of her stress-ness, and she repay you with those deeds. No, I can't accept it. I can't accept that she chose to destroy herself instead of other ways to destress. Check in hotel, going to waterfront. YES, i can accept. But smoking! For someone who I've lectured about danger of smoking and warned her not to smoke. For someone who I've cared so much as to prevent her from smoking, she smoked. And she proudly told people that she doesnt feel she did ath wrong. And she is big and matured enough to decide what to do in her life. OK. SO GO ON WITH IT!

For someone who kept on thinking that she had the worst life ever even after all the motivations i gave her, I GIVE UP.

I am the baby of the family. I am the youngest of all, loved and spoilt by my mom and sis. I can be an elder sister to you, but not if you are behaving like a baby instead of a 22 years old. I can guide you, I can care or you and remind you to eat, but not 24/7. Don't expect me to remind you to eat all the time, everyday, 3 meals a day. And buy you meals everyday throughout the 7 days of event. Cos even my own sis did not do that.

You said you were matured enough. So why do you need someone to remind you to EAT EVERYDAY?

I'm tired lah... Seriously tired. So just don't blame me for what I am doing now. 

And STOP talking my twitter! You deactivated your twitter. Yet you activate it back once in a while to stalk MY twitter, and then BLOG it in your blog. Hoping me to read it? YES, i read it. But NO, I'm not tweeting ANYTHING that I read, cos I stalk quietly.

It's time to breathe and SMILE, meikin...

I'm sorry for a tough year, Mei Kin...

Last Day of 2013

Let's do this :

put down our pasts and don't open it, till it is needed.

Courage

I wish you would never have the courage to tell her that you love her...

And I wish I could continue to love you...

Humans are selfish, aren't we?

W.R.E.C.K.E.D

Finally i am back at blogspot, after so long... When i can no longer express in FB, Twitter or even WeChat timeline, i crawl back here, to my beloved blogspot. The best and safest place for me to blurt all out...

So many lives have been disturbed by me lately, till someone i love said "why u seems to have issues with everyone lately?" yeah... maybe it is ME who have issues with everyone... too bad, and i dragged ppl i loved into these bullshits issues...

Sometimes even if we do things out of love, even if we try to help sincerely, people will mistaken it as busybody rather than helping. just a slight divider to differentiate both these words, yet it can cause so much troubles to so many people.

GOD always has HIS way of testing us... Our emotions, of thoughts, our actions... 

I am sorry if i ever made any of you worry... 

Change

Read my bestfriend's blog, and it makes me realize many things had changed...

Things changed, and I changed. No good, no good...

I am truly sorry, my friend... I am sorry, R...

What Now?

we did not quarrel... we are not in love... 

but every little thing he did can easily make me feel better/worse...

cry/smile...

undeniable...

after 3 years, some things that we expect will change, did not change after all... 

feelings we thought are no longer there, actually still lingers around...

decisions we thought we are sure we will not make, all of a sudden become questionable...

how i wish i could forget him as easily as he forgets me...

that i could accept another guy and fall really really in love with someone just like he fell in love with other girls...

that i could forget about him, and accept the fact that everything about us are past, and no longer valid...

that everything remains memories, beautiful memories, nothing more than just memories...

how i wish...

i  told him that

the biggest regret in my life is not by accepting him in my life once before, but is to let go of him too easily...

the most stupid thing i ever did is not to still care and love him even when he no longer cares and loves me, but is to listen to him and agreed upon our break up...

all of a sudden i began to question my decision that day...

all of a sudden i began to feel stupid and regret...

all of a sudden i feel that it's no use crying anymore...

all of a sudden, i realised that i actually let go of him and i should continue doing so...

and i began thinking...

why am i doing things the way he asked me to?

why am i always listening to him?

why am i always following whatever he said?

he asked for break up. i agreed.

he asked me to move on. i did.

he asked me not to be with him again. i followed.

and now

he asked me to get on with my life, and i think i am doing it again...

so stupid to listen to him, yet so important he is to me that no matter how many times my head asked me to hold on and not give up, do not follow what he said...

my heart will always lose and said "just do it... if that's what makes him happy... if that's what he wants... if that is what i could do to lessen his problems, his headache, his burden...

i'll do just anything... as long as he is happy...

"Wanting someone happy is always more important than just wanting him"

i'll love you in my own way that you will not realize that i am still holding on...

be tough, ong foo kiat...

Drama - Cerita Dia

Sempurna...

Cerita yang tak sempurna

Apakah alasannya

Siapakah di hatinya...

Bahasaku...

Mungkin tidak seindah

Lafaz kata pujangga

Namun ku bersumpah...

Rela ku tunggu

Jawapanmu...

Masihkah aku ada

Di hatimu...saat ini

Biar tubuhku kan terpaku

Biar jasadku

Tak bernyawa lagi...

Sampai nanti...

Ooo...ooo..ooo

Rela ku tunggu

jawapanmu...

Masihkah aku ada

Di hatimu...Saat ini

Biar tubuhku kan terpaku

Biar jasadku...

Tak bernyawa lagi...

Saat ini..

Rela ku tunggu

jawapanmu...

Masihkah aku ada

Dihatimu...

saat ini….(3x)

Sumber : http://www.liriklagumuzika.com/2012/01/lirik-lagu-drama-cerita-dia.html#ixzz2JTz2Dg6j

UNPLANNED

Somehow it is funny how after 3 years, both of us appear to be still wearing the same shirts when we went out yesterday night for Twilight Saga : Breaking Dawn II

Me wearing the green shirt he gave me for my 17th birthday, and him wearing a jersey-typed shirt... It will be sweet if we were still together... IF... and only IF...

Lately thinking a lot about him... can't help, memories keep flowing in like faulty pipes... so are my tears...

I'm glad he carried on with his life, liking girls and all... though was a bit heavy-hearted leaving KL this time (cos i know once i'm back to kuching, everything will return to be like how it used to be for the last 2 years, with me and him not sms-ing each other, with own circles of friends), but who knows... GOD has other plans for us...

TAKE CARE of yourself, may GOD bless you with good health & good life...

IMY... ILY...