WEEEEEEEEEEEE~~~~~~~~~~~ 

MEI KIN IS NOW OFFICIALLY 20 YEARS OLD!!!

i repeat myself.....

20 years old!!!!!!!!! TWENTY years old!!!!!!!!!!!

so stop wishing me 21 years old k? LOL~~

but surely i'm not talking abt this in my blog.... so... here's my version...

before this, i hid my birth date from fb profile... the purpose is so that my 'friends' will not celebrate it for me... i don't want to face the situation whereby they celebrate with me for the sake of celebrating... for the sake of "oh... she celebrated our birthday with us... so we also must celebrate with her"

i dun wan the situation whereby i can see their hypocrisy and have to pretend i din see anything... pretend to be surprised and excited they celebrated with me. i dun wan to act and pretend and unhappy during my birthday... at least not on my birthday... any other day will be ok... i still can do it... but during my birthday, i want it to be MY day... happy and do things i LIKE.

unfortunately, what i dread of come true...

one of them called me asking me to go down... with the excuse "So long din see u. come down and let me see you xia" 

1st step already failed. even the way they ask me to go down also i can see their ketidakikhlasan. i know many will criticize me for not being grateful. many will say "teruk lah mei kin. ppl susah payah celebrate with her she like that criticize ppl"

but this is my blog, i am just expressing what i feel here. for me, if there's no sincerity, then don't do it. don't pretend. don't make me and you unhappy. FINISH.

and when i go down... d normal birthday song thing. then candle-blowing session.

got candle but no flame.

pathetic enough. and they were asking me to "pretend as if got flame". ok. i pretended. then? "pretend to blow the cake". ok. i pretended. they laughed happily. after that? "pretend to make wishes". 

i simply said i wished already. sedangkan the fact is i haven't even wish for anything yet.

what makes me so unhappy and what makes me dun wan them to celebrate for me is the fact that i don't know how to react to their "celebration"...

should i...

feel happy eventhough i am not?

feel sad cos of their lack of sincerity?

no matter what i feel, i still have to appreciate what they are doing. this is the part i don't like. honestly, i am a bad actress. i do not know how to act. i show my emotions. i show my feelings on my face. cos why must i appreciate when they are not putting any efforts?

on the other hand, the angel side of me said that at least they celebrated for me. so no matter how unhappy i am, i still have to pretend to be happy and smile and excited, as a symbol of appreciation...

it is hard when your devil side said something and your angel side say something else...

what happen in the end?

i thought of finding a calm place to sit down alone and think back everything rationally. i feel like finding a place alone to cry.

why cry?

cos feeling unsatisfied why i put so much effort on celebrating their birthday but they put NO effort in celebrating my birthday...

i bought lighter to light up the candle... i think and plan of storyline so that my friends will be surprised (yes, they were all surprised on THEIR birthdays. my plans turned out successful most of the time) and they end up REALLY happy that some even say very touched etc etc... i put so much effort on their birthday and yet? this is what i get...

no matter how good i try to be, my dear readers, i am still a human. i have negative side too. so, please let me express my negative side here. if not, where else?

in fact, it is all my other friends with their simple acts that makes my birthday memorable...

a group of malay ladies singing happy birthday song happily, energetically to me right after my birthday... 

Nasya singing birthday song with her sweet and soft voice in lakeview cafe...

Eysmie with his sarcastic remarks of me getting older when i thought he's not going to wish me...

Abang Mathew ajak me eat dinner with him... and tagged me in a photo in fb with a tag that made me cry cos too touch... sometimes cakes doesn't always have to have candles... it will spoil the cake... especially cake like this

simple simple things that doesn't need money... doesn't need planning.... spontaneous acts which come true from their hearts... which i can feel their sincerity...

that's what makes me happy and blessed to live for 20 years....

of course... not forgotten... a looong night walk to clear up my mind and feeling... sitting at the jeti while immersing my legs on the huge and magnificent Tasik Unimas... while looking at the two-more-days-to-full-moon moon.... and chatting with a friend...

that makes up all the kekurangan in my birthday...

a HUGE thank you to ALLLLLLLLLLLLL of them who did all these simple things for me... =)

and i am blessed to have lived for 20 years... i am grateful i am blessed with friends like this... ^^

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY DEARLY BELOVED GAL, MEI KIN.... (n.n)
 
                       

chatted with adrian yesterday... and it was indeed a fruitful chat... cos he make me realize some things... things that i realized earlier but ignored them and put them aside...

i am always involved with these kind of complicated-friendship-problems... 

adrian said it was cos i mind too much about others business... well, he was correct...

i quarrelled with that gang of chinese coursemates cos i minded too much of others' business. i shouldn't pity them... i shouldn't join their group... i shouldn't offer to help do the calculations... no... i shouldn't

i was emo these few days cos i mind too much of other people's business as well... he is sad but why do i need to know so much, so kepoh ask him this and that? if he wana tell, he will tell... if not, i shud just leave him. after all, he's big enuf to handle his own prob, riet?

and... as adrian said... sometimes i have to learn to let go... let go of a broken and unable to mend relationship... let go of bothering other people's own private problem...

and so... i am letting go now...

hopefully no more sad sad, complicated and emo emo posts from meikin already... if got, let it be PURE problems, not 'sendiri cari masalah's' problem..

hence, use this opportunity to announce

I MUST HIBERNATE FOR 2 WEEKS TILL AFTER MY FINAL!!!!

or else jo's gonna get acidic results... and i will be very guilty...

ADIOS~~~~~~ ^^          

My husband is an engineer by profession. I love him for his steady nature and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders. 

Two years of courtship and now, five years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness.

I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings. I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy.

My husband is my complete opposite; his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about LOVE.

One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.

"Why?" he asked, shocked.

"I am tired. There are no reasons for everything in the world!" I answered.

He kept silent the whole night, seemingly in deep thought. My feeling of disappointment only increased.

Here was a man who was not able to even express his predicament, so what else could I expect from him?

And finally he asked me: "What can I do to change your mind?"

Somebody said it right... It's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.

Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered: "Here is the question.... If you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind."

Let's say; I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death. Will you do it for me?"

He said: "I will give you your answer tomorrow...."

My hopes just sank by listening to his response.

I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes....

My dear,
"I would not pick that flower for you, but .... please allow me to explain the reasons further....."

This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading.

"When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen. I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs. You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you.

You love travelling but always lose your way in a new city. I have to save my eyes to show you the way.

You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month. I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy.

You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.

You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes. I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails and help to remove those annoying white hairs.

So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand...and tell you the colour of flowers, just like the colour of the glow on your young face...

Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet, and die ... "

My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting ... and as I continue reading... "Now, that you have finished reading my answer, and if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favourite bread and fresh milk..."

I rushed to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread....

Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone...

That's LIFE, and LOVE.

When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.

Love shows up in all forms; even in very small and cheeky forms. It has never been a model. It could be the dullest and most boring form ...

Flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands ... AND THAT'S LIFE

The happiest people in the world... are not those who have no problems, but those who learn to live with things that are less than perfect.

LOVE is not just between two lovers, husband and wife--it also encompasses mother, father and siblings, sisters and brothers, friends and neighbours!

Until I think of you again with the next warm life touching story..

I saw him during exam today.... after exam, i purposely waited for him to come out....

He looked so weak... face colour is so dark.... eyes are red.... hair messy.... unshaven face.... not like the guy that i used to know.... the clean, happy, vibrant-looking guy.... a guy whose smile can brighten up my day....

Don't think too much!! he's just my fren.... a fren i love soooo much.... (not romantic love... is frenship love). cos he's the one who guide me back when i faced the crisis last time... now, seeing him like this... makes my heart *so pain*

Yea... so pain... to see a handsome cheerful guy turn this way... it breaks my heart... (though the appearance is caused by him din sleep the whole night cos study, but i guess something else had contributed in one way or another to his appearance)

the whole journey, we did not talk much. in fact, when we met with his other frens, he can joke and laugh happily with them... but when the fren walked away, what's left is just silence... and tense situation...

it is so strange i dun not know how to break the silence. i have alot to say, but i know he is not in the mood to listen. and me saying those things to him will only make him go further away from me. haihx... nevermind.... i just do my part as a fren and accompany beside him without commenting/asking/mengungkitkan those things... if he wants to talk, he'll talk about it...

all i wish is that there won't be anymore unexplained silence between us... it breaks my heart seeing our friendship turn that way...

May God heal him as soon as possible... =)

My friend, i know you can do it... maybe you already done it... already went through the tough period of your life successfully... but please do not treat me that way, k? i've lost enough this sem. i don't want to lost a reliable friend...

Be happy!!!! (n.n)
    

     

i noticed my problems always happen during the study week... before exam... everytime exam, without fail, sure something will happen that makes me unable to focus on my studies... (on a lighter note, mei kin is just giving excuses for not studying =P)

all these while i have been comforting my friend, hoping that he will not think negatively of another friend of mine. (haiya... friend here friend there... so many friends... which friend? make people headache reading your blog only. don't want to read liao lah)

Let's call them A and B. (typical lah... always don't want reveal names. cheh... as if they very popular. cannot tell names meh)

A is my coursemate... a very very very good friend of mine... while B is A's best friend... from same faculty but different course...

Last few days... A has been in very sad state... for a reason that i still don't know up to this day. i tried asking him, but he's just so secretive that i did not managed to get any info from him. actually that day nearly managed to get some info, but when he's about to tell, a common friend's "Haiii" stopped him from doing that... (ish!!! suddenly come out one person. kacau saja)

anyway, after few days of silence and negative posts from A, yesterday he posted something...

Betul kata Mak: kalau berkawan jgn rapat sgt..nanti menyesal kemudian hari. Betul kata uncle: jgn berkawan sgt sebab nanti bila xda pa2 pd diri semua kwn akan hilang. Betul kata seorg teman: d uni xda kwn sejati yg ada hanya kwn asgmnt Sgt betul kata lcterur d matrix:kalau bnci kat org mkna ny msih ada syg pada org itu.....yg terbaik ignore je baru xda perasaan..so aku mmbuat keputusan ignoring certain org~he3

well... if you know mei kin, you know that it breaks her heart instantly...

Actually yesterday i still don't know what makes me so hurt, so sad... don't know what broke my heart... don't know why i cried... i really don't know...

but today, i know why i cried yesterday... (mei kin's brain always slower than others,... so her thoughts also come slower, so do her logics and senses)

i am heart broken cos i sense his heart broken-ness... i sense his sadness... i sense his ke-pasrah-ness... i sensed his hati lara... and so i'm heart broken... (betul ke ni? macam tipu je...)

on the other hands, i lost words to say to the friend B... i don't know how to comfort him... cos i don't even know who A means in his status... maybe the person he meant was not B? who knows riet? i dun wan make any speculation (like those politicians... always like to use this word... speculation)

anyway, GAMBATTE to B!!! i'll always be there for u... =)

   

  

Betul kata Mak: kalau berkawan jgn rapat sgt..nanti menyesal kemudian hari. Betul kata uncle: jgn berkawan sgt sebab nanti bila xda pa2 pd diri semua kwn akan hilang. Betul kata seorg teman: d uni xda kwn sejati yg ada hanya kwn asgmnt Sgt betul kata lcterur d matrix:kalau bnci kat org mkna ny msih ada syg pada org itu.....yg terbaik ignore je baru xda perasaan..so aku mmbuat keputusan ignoring certain org~he3

Every darkness has it’s light..... To bring you through the night.... And everytime it fills the skies so bright... You’ll know where to find me... n_n

 quoted from mie's status this morning... love this phrase so much... =)

there's a gap between me and mie.... a gap unexplainable by words... no matter how close we might be, there is still a gap... an undescribable gap... a gap that does not exist among me and other friends... and among him and his other friends... mmm.... ^^

 hope someone can say such a word to me.... =(

another one..... one more person broke up... this time, my 'brother' since young...


i really don't know how to describe my feelings now... i just know that i am heartbroken... very very heartbroken... 


did i cause all of these?


did i start the curse that make everyone broke up? especially those near to me, those i love, and those i care...


why cant everything just return back to normal... why cant everything and everyone have happy endings? must everything end up sad?


and...


i miss your smile, my friend....


seriously.... i really miss your smile... hopefully you can pass through this tough period of your life and be back the person that i know all these while... =)

WHY BAD THINGS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME????? WHY????????????????????

i need positive things... i need happiness... i need smiles.... not anger, quarrels, shoutings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TIRED TIRED TIRED!!!!!!!!!

that day one of my best friend told another friend of mine

Mei Kin this type of THING i dun wan. leave to you

and i thought i have the right to be angry. right?

but i wasn't angry. to be exact, i was not angry, just *hurt*... *disappointed*... *sad*...

no... no anger...

and then i was telling this to my best friend in fb. normal lah. you sad of course you will find your best friend. of course you want people tam you. especially girls, right?

and there it starts. end up me and that 'watak lelaki utama' (the one who said the sentence that hurts me) quarrel.

HEY!!!!!!!!!!! come on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what i did wrong???????????

even if i AM wrong, i apologized already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and since when you see a victim apologizing?????

why i apologize? cos  when i relate the story to my best friend, i told her by using the name of that guy.

yalah! i know i am wrong... THAT'S WHY I APOLOGIZED!!!!!!!!!!!! even the fact is i am joking. the gal knows i am joking about i-am-angry-with-that-guy and i-dun-wan-to-see-that-guy-again stuff. cos she knows me well... she knows me and him very good fren, sure very fast nth wan

but how come that guy don't know!!!!!!!!! AH~~~~~~~~~~ angry angry angry~~~~~~~ frust frust frust~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and i don't think so i should be expecting any sorries or any conversation with him again....

haihhhhhhhxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

lose one more fren?

and today.... another balloon fly away from my hand.... =(
   

is it my unhappiness and bad luck has passed on to other people? 

or is it i am the first to kena, then followed by my friends... people around me who i loved?

1st, it was me who break up first... i started the chain... and then one by one of my fren broke up with their partner... and the most recent one, which i knew yesterday... involved someone i love so much... why is this happening?

hearing that news, i felt my heart breaking... maybe that person is too close to me, i love her too much... that's why the feeling is so intense. it felt like i broke up once again! -.-'''

but she assured me again and again... that it was her choice... and that's what she want, that's what she is willing to sacrifice for...

finish about love... next... friendship...

after my like-drama-plot friendship saga, i heard people around me facing the same problem as well...

did i start the curse? did i start the chain?

to that someone who i am so worry about these days...

can you please tell me what happen? can you please tell me what's going on, what's bothering you? did i do something wrong or something you are unhappy with?

if you answered "NO" to all of the above questions, i hope that you are not transferring your anger/disappointment on someone to me... cos we are two different person... please don't treat me as if i'm him/her... and please.... don't give me this feeling that you are one balloon that is flying away from my hand....

i really miss the Rafik that i used to know........

when will you be back, my friend?

and this brings me back to the older chapter of my life

"no matter how long you wait, the person you're waiting for will not be back again... forever... so stop wasting your time and wait for him to come back... cos he's gone... and will never come back..."

and this brings instant sadness to my heart...

does this apply to my friend as well?

hopefully no...
   

"kita sedang gaduh kah Rafik?"

i reli feel like asking him this question...

apa tidak... suddenly we are no longer in talking terms... it makes me feel scared... and wondering what wrong i did this time... maybe i am destined to have no friends? haha... very funny.....

haihz.... maybe i did too much bad things in my previous life that i have to repay it this life with all these?

hopefully everything will turn out ok soon.... =)