My Love...

pernah tak kamu ada seorang kawan berlainan jantina yang sangat2 rapat?


saya pernah...


dia coursemate pertama yang saya kenal di unimas... 
teringat 1st time jumpa dia, 1st day of class after MAP...
masing2 berebut nak naik bas pergi faculty...
dia lah yang di depan saya...
dia lah yang saya marah "ish! lelaki tak gentleman betul!"
tapi marah tu bukan marah yang marah, tapi marah yang gurau...


and then, we got into the same course...
i met him again at faculty's office...
again, we were lining up to collect something...
he was, again, right in front of me...
and again, i told him "ish! awak lagi ke? lelaki yang tak gentleman!"


day after day... 
we got closer...
same group for course orientation...
only 4 members, 4 of us...
and our bond got stronger and stronger, with only me and him the crazy and energetic ones in group...


we joined senamtari together...
we were in the same choir competition for our college...
we were active together...


and till one day...
we were both sitting at faculty's lobby...
and he told me this :
"mei2... mei2 tahu tak... tak tau kenapa saya rasa mcm sgt rapat & sgt selesa dgn mei2... mei2 satu2 nya kwn perempuan yg ammar blh rapat tanpa rasa apa2 perasaan sayang..."


and i said :
"samalah... biasanya klau sy rapat dgn mana2 lelaki, sy akn suka lelaki tu... tapi dgn ammar x pernah..."


there were times when we had cold wars, when we quarreled...
such a way that friends around us pun pening, kita ni gaduh lagi ke? sebab apa?
atas sebab2 yang tak diketahui...
pernah sekali dia rapat dgn nunu, saya tak ckp dgn dia...
he told me i'm the 1st person he told this secret to, and he didn't know how he should start the conversation...
time tu i felt that i did not belong to his world anymore...
so i began to drift away from him, i choose to stay away from him...
sebab takut nunu marah, nunu jealous...


dan dia...
sms & fb chat dgn saya...
sampai menangis...
dan pada masa yang sama...
i was crying too...


we went through alot together...
from friends to jpks...
and till now, when i am a jpk and he is no longer a jpk...
things started to turn awry again...


i told myself i am going to fix things right... 
before i graduate...
but everything is too late...


his mom passed away that day...
and i felt so useless for not being in talking terms with him...
maybe if i am still in talking terms with him, he might tell me and let everything out...
i know it is not easy for him to bear this loss, cause he is close to his late mom...
i felt so useless that we were in so bad terms that he no longer reply my msg & answer my call...
the feeling is so bad that i keep blaming myself for being so busy with no time for him...


wish he knows how much he meant to me...