Say NO to Dramas

I'm in the middle of transition period. Maybe it's too late, when some other friends of mine have already gone through this period.

The period of being alone,

the period of everyone you are close with are no longer there,

the period of having no one to randomly text and say "Let's lunch!",

the period of learning to live alone and SURVIVE.

Yes, I am currently in this period. My bestfriends are at different places in earth. Among others :

a) Other universities taking Master

b) Other laboratories or departments, taking Master with new friends and gang

c) Working oversea

d) Working at other states, not in Kuching

e) At their hometown, waiting for graduation

And so, I have to learn to survive alone here. With only ONE goal now :

Graduation 2015

And because I know I can no longer be the cry-baby I used to be, because I know I can no longer throw tantrum and all of a sudden say "I'm unhappy, let's go out for ice-creams!" and things like that, because i know things will be different, I can no longer afford any dramas in my life, cos I know this time, any dramas, I'll have to face them alone, and I am not strong enough to face so many of them.

That explains why I am avoiding some people. Why I talk less. Why I prefer to walk alone, eat alone and jog alone. 

And so, when someone tries to cause a drama, I began avoiding her. 

What happen, you asked?

There's this 22-year-old girl, who heroically took up the vice-president post of the biggest, busiest, and most challenging college in the university. And yet, she has no enough strength and determination to go through it, but still wants to hold on to that post, and tried too hard to please her "sister", although her "sister" did not expect anything from her after knowing she is yet to be capable of doing big things. 

One day, she broke down. Due to her OWN overthinking. Because she did not heed her "sister"s advice to be honest and deal with things directly, cos she is too coward to tell the truth, cos she choose to bottle things up in her, cos she likes to think that everyone is burdening her (though that is not true), she broke down. In a terrible way. 22 sticks of cigarettes, and she was so so so proud of it that she told her concern "sister" 

"I am big enough and mature enough to know what I am doing. I know I am doing the right thing"

Now, tell me. When you used to be so concerned over someone younger than you that you lost yourself while trying to motivate her, that you lost your own positive vibes cos you gave her all, that you took care of like your own sister, that you helped cos she is your responsibilities not your burden. When someone like that, tell you things like she did the right thing, she is mature enough, needless for you to tell her what she should or should not do. What do you do?

In my case, I start treating her NORMALLY. Like a normal friend. Cos it seems to me that no use pouring advices and trying to pull someone who feels that she knows better, and does not need me. Or am I wrong?

And then when I am stable with my life, she starts again with telling my friends we quarreled, till my bestfriend posted things saying that I shouldn't be angry at her till I forget all good things she did to me.

And so, I am the one who carry the blame at the end, huh?

It's ok. As long as no dramas in my life. I am fine :)

Aja cakap, kalau ada nak update blog, tu maksudnya orang tu tengah jiwa serabut...

Pagi tadi jalan kaki dari kolej ke fakulti, terniat di hati nak post di Instagram, tapi terfikir Ain dah perasan saya banyak meluah di Ig, so fikir punya fikir, akhirnya berbalik juga ke blog yang dah lama bersawang ni untuk update and luahkan fikiran...

Nak dijadikan cerita, on the way dari kolej ke fakulti (dengan perasaan yang sangat bersemangat dan gembira), tiba-tiba dapat satu email. 

"Sesi Pembentangan Penukaran MSc ke PhD"

Eh tak tak tak... Bukan rezeki saya untuk tukar MSc ke PhD. Orang lain punya, cuma semua PG FSTS dijemput hadir. 

Apa-apa pun, hati sakit seketika memikirkan hal yang dah lepas.

We always have choices... We always have to choose. But whatever decisions we made, don't ever regret. Cos it is all our own choices. No matter how hard it is, just keep walking...

I miss you...

But I am letting you go... 

Cos I love you...

Next Life

If there is really something called Next Life, I hope God let us meet again. And at that time, I hope our fate will not be like now...

The best birthday present I can give you, I think is this... Be happy, stay healthy. 

#ily

Plasticity

You can be plastics. You can be FAKE. But let it be that way. That's the worst you can be.

DON'T be a fucker. And go around F***-ing people. That's not what your mom and dad raised you to be.

Nuff said. May GOD bless me with enough compassion to forgive you for F***-ing me.

This Journey...

i have no idea how long more i have to crawl in order to finish "this" journey...

Went and watched Abg Salihin's FYP presentation yesterday, just to support him for his last journey in life. And throughout that, realization strucked me. HARD.

Nori is already at the final part of her research, whereby if her datas are accepted by her sv, she can declare that she is DONE with lab.

Izzuddin is already in his writing stage.

Farid is already back at home, awaiting viva.

And me? still waiting for that unknown membrane.

i might have to continue this journey alone in the future, with everyone graduating, and i am still left here.

Dear GOD, please give me enough strength and motivations in myself to finish this journey...

I'm Sorry Mei Kin...

I'm sorry Mei Kin,
for not giving you the birthday that you deserved...
I should've stayed in KL and enjoy the peace of my birthday instead of worrying about things that people don't even want me to care about. Going back earlier because I am afraid they might need some last minute help on their biggest event of the year. But it seems to me that things are worst than I thought. Problems after problems uttered out once I touched down in Kuching. One after another which makes me feel more and more useless to help...

I'm sorry Mei Kin,
that I caused you to make the biggest mistake in your life : not calling your own mom on your birthday
Just because you were too busy worrying about that one event which people dont even care whether you existed or not.

For few months I cared for a junior like my own sister. Listening to her, motivating her again and again and again EVERYDAY for almost a year. Till I feel I have no more positiveness left in me to deal with my own problem of studies and others. Till I feel I have no one to talk to cause I've been bearing so much negativeness in me. Accumulating negativeness of myself and others in me, but still forced myself to blurt some motivations once and again.

But I reached my end-point. My limit. Yes. Like she said, everyone has her/his limit. Mine is after she did it. After all the care, all the positiveness I gave to her, all the motivations I gave, she still reached her limit and did the unbelievable. She went out at midnight, smoked more than 10 sticks of cigarettes, checked in a hotel and slept there for a night. The next morning she went to a waterfall and told me she doesnt even know where she is. What the -! That's when I reached my limit and decided not to care. When you give your all, sacrifices your own, with the hope that she will not do sth stupid out of her stress-ness, and she repay you with those deeds. No, I can't accept it. I can't accept that she chose to destroy herself instead of other ways to destress. Check in hotel, going to waterfront. YES, i can accept. But smoking! For someone who I've lectured about danger of smoking and warned her not to smoke. For someone who I've cared so much as to prevent her from smoking, she smoked. And she proudly told people that she doesnt feel she did ath wrong. And she is big and matured enough to decide what to do in her life. OK. SO GO ON WITH IT!

For someone who kept on thinking that she had the worst life ever even after all the motivations i gave her, I GIVE UP.

I am the baby of the family. I am the youngest of all, loved and spoilt by my mom and sis. I can be an elder sister to you, but not if you are behaving like a baby instead of a 22 years old. I can guide you, I can care or you and remind you to eat, but not 24/7. Don't expect me to remind you to eat all the time, everyday, 3 meals a day. And buy you meals everyday throughout the 7 days of event. Cos even my own sis did not do that.

You said you were matured enough. So why do you need someone to remind you to EAT EVERYDAY?

I'm tired lah... Seriously tired. So just don't blame me for what I am doing now. 

And STOP talking my twitter! You deactivated your twitter. Yet you activate it back once in a while to stalk MY twitter, and then BLOG it in your blog. Hoping me to read it? YES, i read it. But NO, I'm not tweeting ANYTHING that I read, cos I stalk quietly.

It's time to breathe and SMILE, meikin...

I'm sorry for a tough year, Mei Kin...